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CROSSTRAIN SOUL |
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Papa Palomino's
10 Essential Practices
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By Sam Palomino
Bo Jackson may have taken all the cross-training headlines back in the late 80s and early 90s, but my father was defeating Bo by leaps and bounds behind the scenes. Whereas Bo limited his multi-dimensional excellence to the realm of competitive sports, Papa Palomino was exercising every major capacity of his body and mind day in a day out like he was Charles Atlas kickin’ it vajrayana style with Thomas Jefferson, Sigmund Freud, and former US decathlete Dan O’Brien. Lucky for me, Papa P was no greedy granny when it came time to share his multiplex of wisdom with little lost Sammy. Some tips and tricks I picked up from the old man before he moved to Upper Tasmania to wrestle crazed marsupials:
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1. FOCUS ON STUFF
Let’s face it: the human mind is a cheating slut. We all WANT to commit to one idea, to one vision of life, to one value system, to one priority, to one definition of ourselves, but the next thing we know, Human Mind is out banging some trampy ideology in the bathroom at Walmart. After his third bipolar swing from Communism to German Idealism to coke-sniffing nihilism to chasing chemtrails in New Mexico, Poppa Palomino decide to put a stop to this with one simple practice: building the muscles of his mind to focus on one thing, one thing, one thing. It doesn’t matter what you focus on, just train your mind to focus on SOMETHING. It can be your inhales, your nose, the violin drones of former Velvet Underground violinist Tony Conrad—whatever. Just teach that Wild Mind to settle down and be Mentally Mongamous every once in a while; it will do it good. For Poppa Palomino, that one thing was beer, and lots of it….
2. GET IN FIGHTS WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER
Imagine the biggest, cleanest, most crystalline mirror in the world, a mirror that not only reflects your outer appearance, but everything inside of you as well. Now pretend that mirror is financially and emotionally codependent with you, and always hanging out with you, and furious at you: sound fun? Go get yourself a girl or a guyfriend, build a relationship together, then FUCK IT UP ON PURPOSE! You will learn more about yourself and the discrepancy between your intentions and your behaviors than 88 lifetimes with a mind-reading depth psychologist will ever do! Take it from Poppa Palomino and my eight stepmothers: relationships build self-knowledge!
3. VOTE IN EVERY ELECTION
Papa Palomino never believed that voting actually mattered, especially not after the presidential fiasco of 2000. But he did think that the process/experience of voting ITSELF, of locating his voting center, waiting in line, smiling at old ladies who may or may have not been Republicans, and the like gave him a profound connection to the civic structures of his county, state, and nation. “It’s almost like having sex with Civilization itself,” he used to tell me, and now I can’t help but masturbate every time November 4th rolls around.
4. LITTLE LUBERS: EAT YOUR EGGS
Forget all the hysterical and unfounded research on the artery-clogging properties of eggs and other fatty foods. Eggs are bad-ass, like giant packets of sperm which flood your joints and muscles with the valuable lubrication they need to run smoothly. Eggs are also diverse: you can fry them, scramble them, poach them, put them in soups, salads, baked goods—so much so that eggs are basically the new tofu. But unlike tofu, eggs can also be used as non-lethal weapons… can you do that, Soy Boy?
5. CALL EVERYONE “BUDDY”
If everyone’s your buddy then no one is bad. So your one buddy is a Nazi, your other buddy a Zionist, your third buddy a Hobie-wearing muscle head, your fourth a chemical engineering brainiac—what do you do? They’re all your buddies, and they all have to get along, meaning its up to you to put them altogether, straighten everything out, treat them all with a fair hand and keep the party going. You don’t let your buddies fight, do you? Even the rocks are your buddies, the trees are your buddies, the air and the mountains, the guns and the granite, the butter, the bread, the boondoggles and chimpanzees—everything. Call them buddy, and treat ‘em as such.
6. WRITE BAD POETRY
Nothing will teach you more about yourself than writing bad poetry. Bad poetry is the best way to put your swirling mess of feelings out into the open and away from you, where you can view them more like chess pieces and less like clamps bubblegummed into your hair. Make it a point to every day grab a shitty $1.54 Garfield notebook and a frilly rainbow pen with a gnome on the end of it and write the worst, most painfully honest Nine Inch Nails-wannabe crap ever written—you’ll be glad you did. But PLEASE, for the love of all and everything that is sacred, do NOT share your bad poetry with others. Jewel tried that, and look how big her fake tits are now!
7. TWO WORDS: BACK BRIDGES
There’s a reason “combat conditioning” expert Matt Furey calls back bridging the king of all exercises: because it’s true. While contemporary males scramble after the perfect pectoral package up front, back bridges are behind the scenes running the whole show. Think about it: what helps you stand up straight or work at your computer all day? Bulging man titties or a kick-ass spine? Gives yourself an “energy platform”—balance on your head 1-2 minutes day, seven days a week, and turn that slumped slacker body into a springing steel pipe of pissed-off muscle!
8. GO TO THE MALL WITHOUT YOUR WALLET
Think you know something about human desire? Feel pretty confident in your physique, your appearance, your clothes? Smug in your denunciation of US consumer culture, in your prerogative for telling Third Worlders what to do? Then go to the mall for an all-day marathon of fingering leather purses and cashmere cloaks, wading through the deep-fried perfumes of the Food Court and the jitterbugging beats of the compact disc emporium, gawking at the thong panties of the teenage throngs, rocking to the subwoofer laptop Abercrombie Barnes and Noble Guess flex-flow of the infinite funhouses of Uncle Sam Decadence! Yes, revel! Look, but don’t touch! Feel, but don’t follow through! When you’re at the mall and can’t buy anything, thy shall know poverty! Thy shall know the world’s true grip on your soul! Thy shall know—fuck, I’m out of CD-Rs, time to hit Best Buy….
9. MAKE A POWER POSTER
“ACHIEVEMENT”, “EXCELLENCE”, “DISCIPLINE”—we’ve all seen those office motivation posters, and we’ve all cringed at their schmaltzy photography and facile platitudes. While the presentation is creepy and corporate, the intent behind them is a fine one indeed: reminding you of your highest virtues, and calling them out of you with each look. But why waste your time and money at Impressions (the store at the mall where you can buy said posters… er, assuming you bring your wallet) when you can make your own? Get out a pack of 8.5 x 11” papes and paste em’ up all over the house with your personal goals, slogans, desire triggers, and hormone engorgers written all over them. For Papa Palomino, this meant secret Post-its all over the second level of his Colonial with cryptic phrases like “do push-ups on the dog” or “make a million by the pool chillin’” and even “stop, drop, and vote Reagan out of the White House”. My step-mothers will be finding those little fuckers for years…
10. DON’T RECYCLE
Not only do corporations create like 99% of the waste on this planet, but recycling gives you a smug sense of charity when you really aren’t doing jack shit. Instead of recycling, throw away everything and feel the pain of doing so as deeply as you can. Increase this feeling by eating off of disposable plates with plastic utensils while driving your mink interior Explorer Excel through sequoia groves at top speed—the collected guilt and pain will push you into serving the non-profit sector for the rest of your life. Yeah.
So there you have it folks, practical wisdom from my own dear Poppa. Stick to the Palomino Self-Improvement program, and see your dreams fall from the sky and into your well-developed lap faster than you can say “Bowflex.” I’m outta here….
TM fiction editor Sam Palomino tends bar in Moab, Utah, and wears Nike Air Max running shoes to the zendo every Tuesday evening.
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