ASK DR. WRATH

"My Martian Buddy is a Lazy Jerk"

Dear Dr. Wrath,

My Martian buddy is a lazy jerk. This guy actually spent six Martian years (the equivalent of 668 Earth days) studying the entire history of planet Earth, covering such diverse topics as politics, anthropology, mysticism, structuralism, post-structuralism, physics, biology, psychology, and even the phenomenon known as synchronicity. He was sick of his dull life on Mars, but when he finally migrated here to live out his earthly dreams (to write THE book about Earth history— past, present, and future), he gained thirty pounds and never left the house. Now he plays X-Box all day, smokes an odd plant-like concoction a friend of his smuggles him from the drug rings of Pavonius Mons, and alternates between jerking off his two Martian penises. The worst part is, the dude is fucking SMART, like Pat Sajak smart! What is the most compassionate response to such a disappointment?

Sincerely,
S. Delany
Instabul, Turkey




Dear S.,

First of all, you need to make the distinction between the two types of compassion: Mother compassion and Father compassion.

Mother compassion sees the inherent value in your Martian buddy just as he is, for he is made of the same sacred "stuff" that the rest of the entire universe is made of. In Stars Wars terms, Mother compassion is a big hairy Wookie matriarch who dotes on her Wookie boys (you may think of your friend as Chewbacca if you like) because she sees The Force flowing through all of them.

But Father compassion is different. Father compassion expects more from Martian Buddy, and isn’t afraid to tell him so. Father compassion sees the greater suffering in the world, and sees your friend’s potential to alleviate it being squandered. He is like Yoda, only with a bigger cane, whacking Martian Buddy Skywalker on the head for being a big whiney dumb-ass moron pussy.

What you have to do is combine Mama Wookie and Angry Yoda, loving brown fur and cold green cane-wielder, sweater-sewing hugging breast-feed energy and full-tackle windsprints kick-your-ass energy.

But besides all that, what right do you have to say any of this? How evolved are YOU? Can YOU feel the Force flowing through YOUR veins? Can YOU drop two photon torpedoes down a ventilation shaft with your targeting display off?

See, before you make one word of judgment against Martian Buddy, ask yourself this: are you doing everything in your power to bring your own gift into the world? Don’t view your friend’s situation as a charity case, as it puts you in a position of authority over him. Frankly, it must be humiliating for him, this notion that someone outside of himself must save him. Instead, consider this: if you light a big enough fire with your own life’s work, your friend will be attracted and inspired by the example. Make a big enough Death Star, and its natural gravity will pull his Millennium Falcon in, tractor beam or no tractor beam.

But ultimately, the choice is up to him. And don’t forget, he has two penises to worry about, and you don’t. That’s a lot of KY.





Burning alive with a question of cosmic curiosity? Ask DrWrath@the-manifest.org. All topics welcome, but don’t expect a “nice” answer. He is a deity of wrath, after all.