We know what you’re thinking, and we swear this list is not some ironic protest of Valentine’s Day. If we really hated V-Day, we’d be out there protesting with the Hindu hardliners. No, we thought that a good way to honor the idea of intimate relationship between two people would be to think long and hard (and wet) about the absence of it. Why would anyone become celibate? What possible benefit could come from the swearing off of dicks and pussies, tits and asses, butt-holes, beavers, and big hairy balls? We polled some of our staff members and friends to find out….
Sam Palomino, bartender
Hand-jobs in the Walmart bathroom are getting old.
We are all too busy deleting our “Free XXX Paris Hilton Videos!” spam to even think about sex.
One word: condoms.
Humans unfortunately designed with only one mouth, making drinking whiskey and making out at the same time impossible.
Back hair, especially on women.
All the good lays eaten up by the porn industry.
Natalie Portman won’t return your Friendster solicitations.
Del Kreser, Wine of the Month member
Easier than admitting to the fact that you can't get laid.
Your imaginary girlfriend gets jealous.
The Robo-suck 5000 © made entire female species obsolete.
Restraining Order issued on behalf of the whole female population of Boulder.
Girlfriends cut into Playstation 2 time.
Johnny the Dynamic Spiral, theoretical model
Because who has time for nookie when you’re neck-deep in a dumpster trying to get a cookie?
Because everyone knows the elders get all the action, and your job is simply to sit by the fence all the time to guard the village from evil spirits, rival clans, and National Geographic production assistants.
Are you fucking kidding me? CELIBATE?!?!
Because, DUH, it says so somewhere in the Bible (I think it’s on the page after the page where it says you SHOULD have sex, but just ignore that).
Because you have a career to worry about and sex doesn’t fit in with your racket ball schedule.
Because we are all brothers and sisters and the sex act is violent and patriarchal.
Because to fuck someone would upset the delicate, natural balance of the Earth system.
Because the entire manifest realm is one giant vagina, and just by living here you’re already fucking its brains out.
Because abstinence from sexual intercourse is a profound means of self-transformation and self-liberation
Emilio Martinez, performance artist
You can't join a nunnery and serve the poor if you have to keep getting it on with your biker boyfriend.
Self-control builds character. Self-gratification builds re-hab centers.
So you could tell your gay friends you were "celibating diversity."
If more people were celibate, there'd be less pop-up ads from match.com.
You think you're God, and you don't want to burn up any mortals.
Bill Clinton's sexcapades have messed with the eternal Tao and someone has to balance him out.
More free time to catch up on the articles in Playboy.
"What do you mean, you have the clap? Don't you know how immoral it is to fuck someone when you have shit like that? Now, what am I going to tell my husband?"
You think that the Biblical passage "go forth and multiply" involves two sharpened #2 pencils, a ream of loose-leaf, and a calculator.
It's a way for humans to become extinct without ruining the environment.
Jennifer Evonne (fmr. Jenn Frisbee), Venice Beach resident
It'll make the Vatican most happy with you.
President Bush says that celibacy is the only way to prevent the spread of those nasty STDs, and I believe every word he says.
Guys, I hear if you wait long enough it grows.
Girls, trust me on this one. Wait for six months and you'll have orgasms that'll blow the roof off.
If you're celibate long enough the gubbamint will send you a special tax break for not procreating. I'm serious, it happened to me!
No more painful diagnoses of "blown sacrum".
Dude, condoms and accoutrements cost money, you know....
Get fat on ice cream and pizza, and no one cares!
All the cool kids in the commercials just say “no.”
Valentines Day only costs as much as a 2-for-1 rental of Eraserhead
and Donnie Darko.
"It's blue, no, it's pink....it's got funny lines! How am I supposed
to read this thing?"
Brian Trzeciak, tow truck driver / grad student
My imagination is better than you will ever be.
I don't want to buy you fucking breakfast.
You're name doesn’t ring a bell.
You have an awful tendency to ask me where I am every five minutes.
I do myself better than you ever will.
You look better in clothes. BAGGY clothes.
God is the only pleasure I need.
Mary Gustafson, Knotmag.com editor
Two words: pregnancy scare.
To avoid conversations that start “Do we have to leave that light on?”
Everyone compliments your strong-willedness, when that really has nothing to do with it – not that you’d admit that, of course – so you just nod and accept the suggestions that you should consider joining the clergy.
Because of this article I wrote: http://www.knotmag.com/?article=685
CJ Smith, seminarian
No worries about unwanted pregnancies or VDs (do you remember that video presentation and those pictures from 10th grade health class that made the kid next to you turn green and puke in the hallway? Need I say more?).
No need to own a cell phone—you are able to actually escape for long periods of time and never have to answer questions about where you are or what you are doing.
Getting to see some amazing facial contortions when you explain to someone what you do and getting to hear them respond with, “Oooh, sucks to be you.”
Learning who you are so that later if and when you do decide to rejoin the dating race you know how to be at ease and to treat the other person kindly.
Chicks really dig it.
Jennie Dorris, knotmag.com editor-in-chief
Celibacy means you don't have to buy new underwear. You really can just celebrate no-underwear Friday and wear granny panties every day in between. It's fantastic.
