By Paul Salamone
CHIN UP, MOVEON.ORG, YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES dissed by CBS for Superbowl ad slots this year.
In case you haven’t heard, Move On, the political advocacy group making waves with its “Bush in 30 Seconds” ad campaign, was rejected by CBS (a major Bush campaign contributor) to run an ad during the Superbowl because it was deemed too “controversial.” Turns out, this wasn’t an isolated incident. We did some legwork and discovered plenty of other worthy (and unworthy) causes denied public exposure by Dave Letterman’s home office during the NFL Championship.
WHO: The National Gravity Advisory Committee
WHAT: “Gravity Kills: Wear a Helmet,” a 30-second PSA featuring NGAC mascot Bumpy the Talking Concussion
WHY: “The Superbowl is a time of national coming together and the setting aside of differences, along with an escape from the daily pressures of unemployment, decaying infrastructure, and wars on terror. As such, we at CBS felt it inappropriate to mention one of the most fundamental causes of suffering in the world today, the presence of which some of our more Right-leaning board members reject as ‘deeply un-Biblical.’”
WHO: The Buffalo Bills
WHAT: “Four Years of Near-Glory,” a 60-second look back at the salad days of early 90s Bills football, intended to distract fans from the terrible 2003 season
WHY: “CBS is not familiar with the Buffalo Bills organization.”
WHO: spiritual teacher Andrew Cohen
WHAT: a CGI-animated tour through Cohen’s model of spiritual transformation with music by Kenji Williams
WHY: “Let it be known that when it comes to spirituality, we at CBS are a bunch of tight-assed Ascenders. We truly, deeply HATE the manifest world and spend ALL of our time in deep meditation in search of the total cessation of all form, known as nirvana or nirvikalpa samadhi. Mr. Cohen, on the other hand, advocates a dangerous combination of both the Emptiness we seek and an actual active engagement with the evolutionary processes of the world—a spirituality that gives a shit. As we told all the other would-be Bodhisattvas, neo-Platonics and Meister Eckhardt groupies: we are not nondualists, never have been, never will be.”
WHO: The Nondual Nonduality of Nondualists (of Masillon, OH)
WHAT: “The Sound of One Man Rapping…” featuring KRS-One in dokusan with Roshi Bernie Glassman
WHY: (see previous entry on Cohen)
WHO: Janet Jackson’s right nipple
WHAT: “Girls Gone Wild: Rhythm Nation 1814!,” a full-exposure Superbowl halftime extravaganza starring the roving hands of one Mr. Justin Timberlake
WHY: “Janet, give us a break. Not only is this blatant attempt to salvage your sagging career [pun intended] a direct rip-off of the Madonna-Britney MTV make-out session (not to mention the Demi Moore / Ashton Kutcher bloodbath), but given your own brother’s extra-legal romantic entanglements with children around the world, it might not be the best idea to have a pop star half your age feel you up in front of 34 million soccer moms and pee-wee football dads.”
WHO: Sun Microsystems co-founder Bill Joy
WHAT: a PSA warning of the dangers of unregulated nanotechnology experimentation
WHY: “We at CBS, home of inexplicably popular sitcoms such as The King of Queens, Still Standing, and Two and a Half Men, do not support the use of common sense in the general populace, ‘grey goo’ or no ‘grey goo’.”
WHO: Dump the Suds! Prohibition Advocacy Group
WHAT: “You CAN Party Without Pabst!” –a 60-second spot designed to encourage temperance amongst Superbowl fans
WHY: “We didn’t want to insult the intelligence of a bunch of sober people by attempting to explain to them why rejected their dumb-ass ad.”
WHO: Dharma Pop Records
WHAT: 15-second spot for Stuart Davis ’s new album Belle
WHY: “Stuart Davis is a deeply disturbed young man we did not feel comfortable promoting. If you have ever listened to ‘Wizard’, you know what we mean. ‘Babies in catapults’ have no place on a family-oriented network such as CBS.”
WHO: Buddha Be-Bop Records
WHY: “Nice try Stuart, but we know it’s you. The answer is still ‘no.’”
WHO: Sangha Salsa Records
WHY: “Stu, this is getting embarrassing. Have you ever stopped to think what exactly would happen if 4 million beer-swilling, hairy-chested males started coming to your shows, singing along to ‘Atavistic Viking’ and ‘Flower of a Zero’ at the top of their lungs, and bought all the merchandise they could get their hands on? Do you really want to find out?”
WHO: Zen Karaoke Records
WHY: “You would make a lot of money, that’s what would happen.”
WHO: Albert “Crazy Al” Qaeda Terrorism Insurance, LLC
WHAT: “You Never Know What Could Happen, Especially at 10:55 AM on Tuesday, February 3rd on the Second Floor of the John Hancock Building When That Box in the Janitor’s Closet Reveals a Nasty Little Surprise in the Name of Allah”
WHY: “Our art department felt that the general color scheme of this ad did not fit with the overall aesthetic of Superbowl XXXVIII. Yup, that’s the only reason we rejected it.”
WHO: the entire nation of Italy
WHAT: “Dear Superbowl XXXVIII: We Want Our Numerals Back”
WHY: “What has Italy done for the Roman Numeral lately? Seriously—the last time they used it was as the tag-a-long little brother of the Axis Powers of World War II.”
WHO: The LR Interobjective Quadrant
WHAT: “Hey Meditator: Don’t Forget ‘Bout Politics”
WHY: “This was an obvious attempt to get UL-biased integrals to accept the collective sphere of objects as equally important to their ITP. We rejected it because we didn’t know what the fuck The LR Interobjective Quadrant was talking about, plus we already have one ad with Adam West doing the voice-over, which is plenty.”
WHO: Naropa University
WHAT: “Lose Your Mind and Come to Your Senses,” a two-minute tour through the entire Arapahoe Campus of N.U., hosted by eco-radical Morris Berman
WHY: “CBS—without exception—requires all of its advertisers to take showers at least once a week, accept the importance of rational thought, and be able to support themselves for more than five days without a trust fund.”
WHO: Into the Wind Kite Store
WHAT: “Up Up and Away,” kicking off a promo campaign for the new “Sopwith Camel” attack kite
WHY: “We actually had their $4 million spot ready to go when we were contacted by an associate of ours in the independent online publishing industry who informed us that a one-time Manifest columnist named Sean —employed by Into the Wind—had failed to come through with a second article, in spite of the editor’s frequent attempts to shame him into doing so.”
WHO: The Manifest E-zine
WHAT: 10-minute half-time “Manifest LIVE!—February 12th at Burnt Toast!” infomercial
WHY: “Are you guys fucking kidding? Twenty bucks? Twenty bucks wouldn’t buy you three words in the Colorado Daily classifieds, and you want an INFOMERCIAL? During the SUPERBOWL? With ASHTON KUTCHER as ANDY ACKER, JUDE LAW as MARCO MORELLI, and WILLIAM ‘THE REFRIGERATOR’ PERRY as PAUL SALAMONE? Where the hell have you guys been drinking?”
